A Very Strange Day in the Life of Scar
by Draco Libro
Summary: Scar goes to a strange cafe where he meets a strange person who seems to know a lot about him. Other characters become involved in the strangeness. Contains references to cheese, tomatoes, and brown llamas.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This was originally written for my cousins, who appear in this story as the characters Mariel and Meiko. The characters Nicole and Nami are based on me and my sister. For obvious reasons, I did not use our real names.

Disclaimer: I am not Japanese; therefore it is highly unlikely that I own the rights to Fullmetal Alchemist.

Scar leaned against the wall of the Cheese N Tomatoes Cafe, scowling at anyone who dared to look in his direction. The idea hadn't seemed so bad when Miles first suggested it to him; now it appeared a complete waste of time. Miles hadn't even given him that much information about who was supposed to meet him.

"There's someone who would really like to speak with you," he had said cryptically. "She'll meet you at the Cheese N Tomatoes Cafe tomorrow." Scar had heard a rumor that some interviewer from Central was planning to do a report on the rebuilding of Ishbal. If this mysterious person turned out to be the interviewer, he could use it as a chance to create greater support for his cause among the Amestrians. With that thought in mind, he had arrived at the cafe and now... Scar's naturally surly expression turned downright deadly. Why hadn't this person bothered to set a more specific time than "tomorrow"? Why was she taking so long to show up? Why the he-

"SCAAAARRR!" What appeared to be a May-sized child slammed into him with the force of a bomb and the unrestrained joy of a puppy.

"SCARSCARSCARIT'SREALLYYOUILOVEYOUSOMUCHYOU'RESOAWESOMEHII'MMEIKOBYTHEWAYSCAR!" With difficulty, Scar disentangled himself from the girl and held her at arm's length away from him, using his left hand to avoid accidentally deconstructing her.

"Are you the person who arranged to meet me here?" Scar asked.

"UH-HUH. I'M MEIKO AND I LOVE YOU!"

By this point, the few bystanders who hadn't been scared off by Scar earlier were edging away cautiously.

"Can you _please _stop shouting?" Scar demanded.

"Uh-huh," Meiko answered promptly in a barely audible whisper. Scar let go of her. She immediately latched onto him in a hug so tight it was almost painful. Scar considered his options. Spending the day with a crazy young girl was not what he had planned on, but she was clearly obsessed with him for some reason, and it seemed cruel to just send her away. Besides, a kid like this definitely needed adult supervision.

"Okay," said Scar slowly. "Would you like to order something from the cafe or-"

"Yeah! I reserved seats for us yesterday. Let's go!" Meiko dragged him into the cafe, ordered something at the counter, then dragged him to a table in the corner. Scar looked around suspiciously, wondering if this was some elaborate assassination plan. None of the customers appeared to be threats, so he sat down and tried to listen to the stream of near-gibberish coming from Meiko's mouth.

"Nicole, Nami, and Mariel don't think you're awesome like I do, they think Riza Hawkeye is the best character, but I think you're the bestest because you can grab someone's head and go like _BOOM_ and their heads blow up!"

"I don't really do that anymore," said Scar uncomfortably. Who was this kid? He had automatically assumed she was Amestrian, but that didn't seem quite right. She could be part Xingese, he supposed.

"That's okay, you're always amazing, even when you're not blowing up people's heads. I tried to copy the tattoo on your arm, but it didn't really work." She showed him the scribbles covering her right arm.

"Are you here with your parents?" Scar asked. Maybe they could provide some explanation of her behavior.

"Uh-uh. It's just me, Nami, Mariel and Nicole," said Meiko cheerfully.

"And who are they?"

"My cousins! Well, Mariel's my sister; Nicole and Nami are my cousins. Hey, our food's here!"

A waiter with squinty eyes and a mustache approached them, balancing a tray loaded with cheese and tomatoes. He set the food on their table, then retreated with a stiff little bow. Scar watched him go, frowning. There was definitely something familiar about that waiter. He looked almost like... Come to think of it, that mustache did look pretty fake... Meiko distracted Scar by devouring her food with the noise and enthusiasm of a starving chimera.

"Did you order anything besides tomatoes and cheese?" Scar asked. Meiko stared at him in surprise.

"That's all they serve here! That's why it's called the Cheese N Tomatoes Cafe!" she said, the words coming out muffled by food. Scar wasn't really hungry, but he ate a few cherry tomatoes to be polite. Meiko eyed a lumpy piece of bright yellow cheese suspiciously.

"Hmmm... Looks kinda like a cheesy fungus." She licked it, then declared "Nope, it's not cheesy fungus," and ate it so quickly she appeared to swallow it whole.

"So," said Scar, "Who's coming to pick you up?"

"Mariel, Nami, and Nicole, I guess. They said they'd come by to make sure I hadn't hugged you to death after they finished hanging out with Riza," Meiko said with a shrug.

What kind of connections must these people have, Scar wondered, if they could casually arrange meetings not only with him, but with members of the Amestrian military?

"What is your purpose in speaking to me?" Scar asked.

"Huh?" was Meiko's witty response.

"What do you want from me?"

"I wanna hang out with you 'cause you're awesome! More awesome than cheese, tomatoes, and brown llamas combined!" Scar tried a different tact.

"Did someone send you to talk with me?"

"Uh-huh. I sent myself!" Scar reverted to his I'm-going-to-blow-up-your-head expression.

"A child of your age who can set up a meeting with someone like me must have some affiliations with a high-ranking official. There's no reason for you personally to want to see me, so they must have sent you-"

"NOOO!" Meiko's eyes overflowed with anime-style tears. "I LOVE YOU! HOW COULD I NOT WANT TO SEE SOMEONE AS SUPERDUPER AWESOMELY AMAZING AS YOU?"

"Is there a problem?" The waiter had returned and was now watching them with bemused interest. Before Scar could say "No," Meiko looked up at the waiter, abruptly stopped crying, and gasped.

"LIN! YOU HAVE SUCH AWESOME FASHION SENSE!"

"Shh!" Lin hissed, looking around the cafe nervously. "I don't want anyone to know I'm here."

Lin Yao! No wonder he had seemed familiar, Scar thought. But what was the emperor of Xing doing _here?_

"Hey..." Meiko's eyes narrowed. "Why do you have a mustache?"

"Oh, that? It's just part of my disguise. But wait a moment- am I already so famous that you could just recognize me that easily?"

"Scar is famouser than you; I just know you 'cause of your fashion sense. Did Ed draw the mustache on you like he did on Mustang in the final Brotherhood episode?" Meiko demanded.

"Ed drew a mustache on him?" Lin snickered. "I'd have loved to see that. I just picked this up at a store on the way here from Xing."

"We should continue this conversation outside," Scar said abruptly. "People are starting to watch us."

"So what?" Lin replied casually. Scar gave him a threatening look and Lin raised his hands in surrender.

"Okay, we'll go outside." Meiko went into Gluttony-mode to finish off the food and bolted after Lin and Scar. An evil thought entered her twisted brain, and she shot a sneaky look at Lin.

"Heeey Lin?" she asked.

"What?" he responded. Using all of her romantic subtlety and finesse, Meiko asked "Did you and Lan Fan get together yet?" Scar stared at her incredulously. What was the girl thinking, asking the emperor of Xing a personal question like that? Lin demonstrated his impressive self-control by dropping the food tray he had been holding onto his foot. Meiko laughed maniacally while Lin used some of the favorite swear words of a certain vertically challenged alchemist. Scar watched them impassively. When Lin finished swearing, he forced a smile onto his face and said, "Lan Fan? What are you talking about?"

"Did you two get together and have kids?" Meiko repeated impatiently.

"I'm sixteen! Do you _think_ I've had kids yet?"

"You might have!" Scar decided it was time to change the topic before Meiko made any more statements like that.

"Emperor Lin," he said formally. "Why are you here and not fulfilling your duties in Xing?"

"Oh, well," Lin answered, glaring at Meiko. "It gets really boring spending all your time in a stuffy court trying to organize everything from what crops are going to be planted to the settlement of old feuds between clans. I decided that I needed a break, so I disguised myself and came back to Amestris pretending to be an immigrant in search of a job. I'll go back eventually, I just want a few more days to relax."

"I bet Lan Fan's mad at you," Meiko giggled.

"Probably," Lin agreed. Scar's day was not looking good. Now he had to deal with Emperor Lin shirking his duties in addition to the crazed Meiko.

"Don't you think you should return to Xing soon?" he asked. "Your people need someone to guide them."

"They can manage a little while longer without me," said Lin dismissively.

"Young Lord!" Everyone spun around to stare at the roof, where the voice had come from.

"Oh great," Lin groaned. "She found me."


	2. Chapter 2

"Hi Lan Fan!" Meiko yelled, waving at her. This was not, in Scar's opinion, the smartest move. Judging from Lan Fan's expression, she was quite willing to use her kunai knife on anyone who even slightly annoyed her. She leaped down from the roof, and Lin took off running.

"Young Lord!" Scar and Meiko jumped out of the way as Lan Fan sprinted after Lin.

"Ooooh," said Meiko evilly. "She's chasing after him." Scar wondered what Meiko's parents were like, to raise a child with such a foul mind. Lan Fan caught her prey and pinned him down without too much difficulty.

"Please!" Lin begged. "Just one more day! Then I'll go back to Xing!"

"Young Lord, you cannot neglect that meeting with the leaders of the Tang family about grazing rights for their sheep."

"I don't _care_ about the Tang family's sheep!"

"I know, Young Lord, but the Tangs might try to take the property of the Nao'lin clan by force, and then-"

"You should be the emperor, not me! You remember more of this stuff than I do!"

"I could never do _that_, Young Lord!" The argument might have continued for hours if Meiko hadn't chosen that moment to say "Hey! You two argue like a married couple!" Dead silence fell. Three pairs of eyes fixed on her. Meiko looked from Scar, to Lin, to Lan Fan, back to Scar, back to Lin, to Scar again, and screamed "You all blinked! I win!"

"I didn't know we were having a staring contest," Lin muttered.

"Enough of this," snapped Lan Fan, who looked uncharacteristically embarrassed. "Young Lord, are either of these two a threat to you?" Scar found himself in the unusual position of _not_being the one glared at as a potential enemy.

"No, no," said Lin quickly. "We were just talking."

"Very well," said Lan Fan, sheathing her knife. "In that case, we will return to Xing immediately." Lin promptly tried to make a break for it. Scar couldn't quite follow what happened next, but Lin somehow ended up in what looked like a very painful headlock.

"I apologize for the disturbance," said Lan Fan while Lin tried unsuccessfully to free himself. Meiko grinned evilly at him.

"I wonder what you two are gonna go do together," she giggled. Lan Fan gave her a death glare almost as formidable as Riza Hawkeye's.

"Do you need any help?" Scar asked, watching Lin struggle.

"No," Lan Fan replied, her tone resigned. "I've done this before. I can handle him." With that, she began dragging him towards the nearest train station. Meiko waved as they left.

"Bye-bye! Lin, you're really fashionable! Lan Fan, your automail is awesome! Have fun together!"

"Goodbye!" Lin called mournfully. Lan Fan did not bother to respond. Once they were gone, Scar cast a suspicious look at Meiko.

"Do you understand the full implications of some of your comments?" he asked.

"Yep," said Meiko happily. "I have a dirty mind."

"That's not a good thing."

"I wholeheartedly agree," said a new voice. Three girls who Scar had never seen before approached them, accompanied by Ed, Mustang, Hawkeye, and May. One of the girls looked like an older, much more mature version of Meiko; the other two appeared to be twins.

"Aaaww," Meiko whined. "Does this mean it's time to go?"

"Tempting as it is, we can't stay in this world forever," said one of the twins.

"WHY NOT?" demanded Meiko. The black-haired girl sighed and recited, "1) School. 2) Our parents would kill us. 3) This world doesn't have internet. 4) There are some things in our world besides internet that I'd really miss."

"But what about SCAR?" For the first time, Meiko seemed to notice the others. Her eyes took on a gleam that bordered on demonic.

"Hey, Colonel Mustang! During that scene in book 19, ARE YOU GOING TO THE BATHROOM?" Mustang gave her a look of mingled astonishment and revulsion. Ed snickered quietly.

"First of all, it's Brigadier General Mustang now. Second of all-"

"We _tried_ to tell her," said the youngest girl. "It's when you decode the message about Selim Bradley being a homunculus. We tried to explain that you were just using it as a place to think, but-"

"It's Meiko," finished the black-haired girl.

"Yeah," said the other two.

"I take it that you are Mariel, Nami, and Nicole?" Scar asked.

"Yep," said one of the brown-haired girls. "I'm Nicole, that's Mariel, that's Nami. And Nami and I aren't twins."

" People _always_ ask if we're twins." complained Nami. "It's annoying. Nicole has blue eyes, I have brown eyes. Like Hawkeye," she added, smirking.

"Not fair," muttered Nicole. Apparently, this discussion did nothing to distract Meiko.

"Well? WERE YOU?" she asked, staring at Mustang.

"NO!"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure! I should know when I'm-"

"Sir, you may want to rethink what you are about to say," Hawkeye cut him off. Scar decided to restore some logic to the conversation.

"What are all of you doing here?" he asked, addressing Ed, Mustang, Hawkeye, and May.

"I was invited to a meeting with these three," Hawkeye said, indicating the girls.

"I came along," Mustang added.

"'Cause you're overprotective of your girlfriend," Nami muttered too quietly for him to hear.

"I happened to walk by at the wrong moment and got dragged along," Ed grumbled.

"And I was with him," May finished, pointing at Ed, "Asking about Alphonse-sama."

"May loooves Al!" Meiko declared in a sing-song voice. "And Ed loooves Winry and Roy loooves Riza and Scar loooooves ME!" With this, she proceeded to hug Scar's legs, which was the highest part of him she could reach. Ed choked on air and started coughing, while May blushed and Mustang looked torn between amusement and embarrassment. Hawkeye, of course, was expressionless and the three girls simply looked resigned.

"I suppose you have to put up with this a lot," Scar said to them.

"Yeah," sighed Mariel. "You have no idea how inappropriate her remarks can be."

"You want me to be inappropriate?" asked Meiko hopefully. "Roy and Ed want to-" Mariel promptly covered Meiko's mouth. Ed's eyes narrowed.

"What were you about to say about me and that bas-" Nicole covered his mouth.

"Now, now, no need to encourage Meiko," she said mildly. By this point, May had recovered from her shock.

"Alphonse-sama and I love each other very much," she announced, still blushing. "And I won't let anyone make fun of him!"

"Seriously, guys," Nicole said, keeping her hand over Ed's mouth. "We need to get going." Suddenly, Nami's eyes widened.

"MILES!"

"Oh no," Nicole groaned. "We'll never leave now." Miles was walking towards them with his usual implacable expression, which changed into extreme puzzlement as Nami started chanting "Take your sunglasses off! Take your sunglasses off!"

"Sorry," Nicole apologized. "She thinks the way you put your glasses on in the third opening song is really cool."

"Then why is she telling me to take them off?" Miles asked, not following Nami's logic.

"So you can put 'em back on, that's why!" Nami exclaimed. Miles sighed, took his glasses off, and put them back on.

"Awesome!" Nami cheered. "Do it again!" This time, Miles ignored her, and spoke directly to Scar.

"There's a dispute in southern Ishbal about an old temple. Since you understand the details of religious matters like these better than I do, I thought I should ask you to cut the meeting short-"

"Nooo!" wailed Nami and Meiko, who had freed herself from Mariel's grasp. "Don't leave!" Scar frowned.

"From what Meiko said, I though Lt. Hawkeye-"

"She's my favorite character," said Nami quickly. "But I love the way Miles puts his glasses on!"

"And," Mariel added. "It's _Captain _Hawkeye now." The three girls exchanged oddly triumphant grins.

"They're a lot more excited about my promotion than I am," Hawkeye observed drily.

"We get excited easily," Nicole said, releasing Ed. "Anyways, before any more distractions come up- anime, manga, and J-pop are awesome!" A glowing doorway appeared at once.

"How did you do that?" Ed demanded, staring suspiciously at the doorway.

" Can't tell you. And don't ask about the password either," said Nicole simply.

"Bye," Mariel called cheerfully. "Thanks for the bullets, Hawkeye!" May, Ed, and Scar looked at Hawkeye with varying degrees of accusation.

"You shot at them?" Scar asked.

"They asked me to," Hawkeye replied coolly. "They said they wanted 'souvenirs'."

"Yeah, well, you probably wouldn't have if we hadn't threatened to blackmail you," Mariel remarked. Mustang glared at them.

"If you ever threaten to spread a rumor like that again-" he began.

"You wish it was true," Mariel cackled evilly as she stepped through the doorway.

"Sayonara, Miles!" Nami called. "Riza, you should start calling Roy by his first name instead of 'Colonel'."

"It's Brigadier General now!" Mustang yelled after her as she vanished through the doorway. Nicole, not taking any chances, grabbed Meiko firmly and began pulling her towards the doorway.

"GOODBYE!" Meiko shouted. "Roy and Riza, you should have lots of kids! May, so should you and Al! And Ed and Winry! Like, fifteen kids! SCAR, I LOVE YOU!"

"Miyazaki-sama, Arakawa-sensei, and Yui-san are awesome!" Nicole said, and the mysterious doorway vanished. The disturbed characters made a pact never to speak of what had happened. Meanwhile, the four girls got in trouble with their parents for disappearing without explanation and made a pact never to go back to the world of Fullmetal Alchemist- unless their parents weren't home.


End file.
